How I begin My 2019

I was watching Korean Drama when the fireworks boomed outside. An activity which somehow keeps my sanity towards major sadness. Yes, I feel sad too much lately without any reason, and I know I didn’t function well enough as a human. Other people went to memorable places, making some great memories with their friends, family and significant others. It’s somewhat heartwarming to see. I saw my fellow neighborhood was enjoying the lokal fireworks outside their own houses. Some people brought their children, some people played music outside, some kids blew the trumpet. Everyone was enjoying the moment.

For me, every new year feels like another ordinary days. But today i found myself surprisingly disagree with my previous statement. I feel like my life has been a stagnant progression this past few months. I didn’t do many courageous activities outside my comfort zones like I used to do. I couldn’t overcome anxiousness for making mistakes, and apparently that was where the mistakes began. I was too mired in self-loathing, I didn’t learn much this year and my time has been a big portion of waste. I was mired in many “should-have” thoughts that ultimately drive me to regret. In the other side I know resting is necessary, but why do I need to rest when I don’t actually that physically tired? or am I just too weak?

Pardon the war inside my head.

Well, the thing is, I don’t know somehow accomplishments is my fuel. The indescribable joy I feel after finishing something is energize me. Setting goals was my habit since long ago. That was what triggers me to do better, to learn more, to try harder. All is because I have target to accomplish. But then life seems to show up its true self, and being pretty much more realistic than I could’ve ever imagined. And it drives me to think that setting goals and having a target seems so naive and bullshits, or I don’t want it burdens me. I was indeed feeling demotivated, and becoming so self absorbed towards my negative thoughts, deprecating myself, whining that I’m not good enough and many more. But believe me, I feel horrible without any reasons and I think I should get some help to re-function myslef to be more useful in daily activities. But for now, let’s fake it till I make it. and I think that’s the least I could do..

I don’t burden me for having a goals, it’s just necessary to keep me on track and to make sure I learn something throughout this year. So, let’s give it a try..

Things I Wish I Could Have Accomplished By The End of The Year

1. Stress Management :

I know stressful situations are irresistible, and emotions are demanded to be felt. I couldn’t let the cortisol hormones went crazier till it impacts to my physical health again. Because I’ve spent so much money for my digestion system this year, I don’t want it becomes worse so, it’s all in my hand. I wish I would able to remain calm in every hectic and stressful situation, though the fact I should cry more to release the emotions but that’s better than having a digestion problem. The fact cries have rescued me many times towards devastating situation. This also means that I should practice to flow my emotions right so that I don’t bother anyone with my emotional baggage. Like my dear friend said, realistically speaking, it’s somewhat emotionally draining for talking so much about sadness to people. I think I should try harder for now on.

2. Surround Myself with People Who Are Couraging and Having the Same Visions

I don’t say my surrounding isn’t supportive yet. I also don’t mean to dislike my friends now, they’re super nice I could laugh my ass off and be really happy with them. But I think I need a place that include people who could slaps me with their courage and passion with humankind. I secretly have a huge goal that my existence should be at least impactful to those who in needs. I need a particular place to grow and develop my skill such as community or organisation I guess?

3. Maintaining My Relationship with My Friends and Significant Others.

I don’t know it sounds odd. But I think I have confused love with attachment. Like Yasmin Mogahed said :

Attachment is fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give because you’re empty. It is about you can give others because you’re already full.

To give, I should have more values. There it goes, another year of value findings.

4. Building My Brands.

Wow it sounds terrifying, doesn’t it? but my major goal of life is having my own textile brand. Not specified with textile only actually, but as a person who highly crave for personal freedom I really want to have my own business. So I wouldn’t feel such beholden to anyone. And I should have started it! because it wont happen till I take a big small to start. It honestly terrifies me, that sometimes causes me to procrastinate more.

5. Save Money

I have a bad money management. I could hold my self up not to buy things but I couldn’t hold myself up not to buy food. I think I should cook more this year to save some rupiahs.

6. Read More

I don’t know anything, and my year of applying scholarship for study abroad is getting closer. My grammar is horrible, my english speaking isn’t that fluent, I still don’t know what my purposes is, or what impacts I would bring to Indonesia after finishing my study. I need to recollect myself by reading. Also, reading gives me a sense of feeling 'not alone’. haha it doesn’t relate to the previous statement but who cares.

I think that’s all I could share. Hope it will guide me to somewhere better, or at least making me stay on track despite anything that would happen ahead, I wish one of the things above could be achieved by the end of the year.

Let me know your goals, I’d love to know it! see you 😃